Grief is typically understood as a response to loss, often involving identifiable stages and supported by rituals, relationships, and societal validation. But what happens when grief doesn’t follow a conventional path, when it isn’t supported, witnessed, or even recognised? Sometimes the loss is ongoing, the wound never acknowledged, and the grieving process out of sync with the norms that make resolution possible.
In my MA research, I referred to this as asynchronous grief: grief that is misaligned and unprocessed due to the absence of essential relational parameters, namely, empathy, recognition, and repair. This form of grief, particularly common in individuals who have experienced emotional abandonment, narcissistic parenting, or estrangement from caregivers, becomes nonfinite, an enduring presence in the psyche that resists resolution.
Non-Finite Grief
Bruce and Schultz (2001) conceptualised nonfinite grief as grief that stems from ongoing losses that do not end, such as those caused by disability, chronic illness, rejection or estrangement. Unlike finite grief, which follows a progression and can lead to acceptance or integration, nonfinite grief lingers. It continues to resurface because the loss is not a single moment in time, but an ongoing absence, a presence defined by lack. Their work states that nonfinite grief often arises when “life events fail to meet hopes, dreams, and expectations,” which aptly captures the emotional fallout from failed or toxic parent-child relationships.
Asynchronous Grief
Building on this, I introduced the term “asynchronous grief” to capture an added layer of complexity. In these situations, the problem is not just that a loss occurred, but that the relationship never offered the conditions needed for grieving in the first place. In the absence of empathy, relational attunement, or the possibility of repair, the griever is effectively locked out of the grief process. They are denied the synchrony, the give-and-take of emotion, reflection, and recognition, that makes grieving bearable, if not transformative.
Healthy grief typically involves being held emotionally, relationally, and socially. We process loss not only through introspection but through co-regulation: sharing memories, being witnessed, receiving empathy, and constructing new meanings with the help of others. When these components are missing, as is often the case with narcissistic, emotionally immature, or absent parents, grief becomes distorted. The griever may question the legitimacy of their pain, become consumed by self-blame, or endlessly seek resolution in a relationship that is inherently incapable of offering it.
The Mother Wound
In cases involving the mother wound or father wound, the griever mourns not only what was lost but what never existed: safety, empathy, belonging, unconditional love. Narcissistic parents often refuse to acknowledge harm, making repair impossible. The child-turned-adult is left in an emotional limbo, sacrificing authenticity for attachment, still needing recognition to heal, but finding none. The grief here is complicated by gaslighting, erasure, and the cultural expectation that familial bonds should always be honoured. It is a grief without a socially endorsed script. People say, “of course your parents love you, we all make mistakes, you only have one mother, father”. We live in a society programmed to believe that all parents love unconditionally, and we cannot comprehend that a parent might not be able to offer love and nurture.
The Death Mother Archetype
Marion Woodman and Danielle Sieff (2009) explore the “Death Mother” recognising the life denying impact this force has on our minds and bodies. Woodman goes on to say the “Death Mother” is born out of despair, incubated by the crushed hope of an unalived life, this child was unwanted, and this is conveyed either explicitly or implicitly, we know it, we feel it, but cannot articulate what it is. The mother archetype is dominated by the conviction that her children are there to serve her. Authentic expression is not permitted, development is hindered, resulting in an internalised grief, sorrow, and longing for a fundamental love that never comes. The death mother affects our physical, emotional, mental, spiritual and collective consciousness. We must confront the death mother reclaiming ourselves, even if this requires low, no contact, or estrangement.
When grieving the relationships we never had, the love and acceptance and connection that never came, despite our years of chasing it, we need strategies. It’s important to recognise asynchronous grief, as it manifests as chronic yearning, rejection sensitivity, and feelings of invisibility. The griever may become stuck in rumination: “Was it me? Did I imagine it?” Because the person who caused the grief is still alive, closure is not only elusive, it’s a moving target. Estrangement doesn’t offer finality. Instead, it often brings ambiguous grief: a loss without death, pain without a funeral, mourning without collective acknowledgement.
Paths to Resolution
What paths, then, are available to the asynchronously grieving? Though resolution may never be complete, healing can begin through recognition and meaning-making. Naming the experience, understanding that this is a kind of grief, even if invisible to others, offers a sense of legitimacy. Therapeutic support, internal reparenting, and forming chosen families can help provide the relational containers that were missing in childhood. These forms of surrogate co-regulation can help the nervous system and the soul find new ways to mourn and integrate what was lost or never given.
In conclusion, asynchronous grief, particularly present in unwantedness, is a distinct and often overlooked form of nonfinite grief. It arises when the necessary emotional and relational structures for grieving are absent, most commonly in the context of parental neglect, narcissism, or emotional abandonment. Because there is no synchrony, no closure, and no co-created meaning, the grief loops on itself, unresolved. But in naming this phenomenon, we take a first step toward reclaiming and dignifying the silent suffering of those who grieve the living, the absent, and the emotionally unreachable.
